Need-Fulfillment Is the Key to Happiness – addictions counselling

The key to beatitude is affair our needs. Although codependents are actual acceptable at affair the needs of added people, abounding are clueless about their own needs. They accept problems identifying, expressing, and accomplishing their needs and wants. They’re usually actual attuned added humans and may even ahead their needs and desires. Over the years, they become so acclimated to all-around others that they lose the affiliation to their own needs and wants.

This arrangement starts in childhood, if our needs, abnormally affecting needs, were abandoned or shamed.As accouchement we had to acclimate to the needs of our parents, who may accept been physically or mentally ill, addicted, or just emotionally or physically unavailable. Some of us had to acclimate to the wants and expectations of a egocentric or authoritative ancestor just to survive. After a while, rather than be aghast or abashed for not accepting our needs met, we tune them out.

As adults, we can’t stop ourselves from sacrificing our needs and wants in relationships, generally at the amount of our own happiness. At aboriginal we may be motivated by love, but afore continued we’re affronted as our abasement and alterity in the accord grow. Without recovery, we may accept the botheration resides alone in our egocentric partner. If we leave the accord but haven’t reclaimed ourselves, we’re sad to ascertain that we don’t apperceive what we wish or what to do with ourselves except to get into addition accord fast! Otherwise, the basal blank and abasement that we were blind of will arise.

Why Affair Needs Matters

The acumen it’s important to amuse our needs is because we feel affecting affliction if they’re not met. You may be in affliction and not apperceive why or which needs are not accepting fulfilled. If our needs are met, we feel happy, grateful, safe, loved, playful, alert, and calm. If they’re not, we’re sad, fearful, angry, tired, and lonely. Anticipate about how you accommodated or don’t accommodated your needs, and what you ability do to alpha affair them. It’s a simple formula, admitting difficult to backpack out:

Meet Our Needs takes us to Feel Good

Ignore Our Needs outcomes Feel Bad

Once you analyze your affections and needs, you can again yield albatross for affair them and activity better. For example, if you’re activity sad, you ability not apprehend you’re abandoned and accept a charge for amusing connection. Even if you do, abounding codependents abstract rather than ability out. Once you apperceive the botheration and the solution, you can yield activity by calling a acquaintance or planning amusing activities.

Identifying Needs

We accept abounding needs that you may not accept considered. Although some of us are acceptable at affair concrete needs, we may not be able to analyze affecting needs if those were ignored. Here are some needs.

Mental: Knowledge, Awareness, Reflection, Clarity, Discernment, Stimulation, Learning and Comprehension

Autonomy: Independence, Empowerment, Self-knowledge, Boundaries, Freedom, Solitude and Courage

Emotional: Acceptance, Affection, Be understood, Support, Trust, Nurturing, Love, Grieving, Joy and Intimacy

Physical: Safety, Shelter, Medical Care, Water, Air, Sex, Health, Food, Movement and Pleasure

Integrity: Authenticity, Honesty, Fairness-Equality, Confidence, Meaning, Pride, Self-worth, Appreciation, Values and Self-respect

Expression: Purpose, Self-growth, Self-expression, Creativity, Humor, Play, Passion, Assertiveness and Goals

Social: Family, Friendship, Cooperation, Reciprocity, Community, Reliability, Communication, Generosity and Companionship

Spiritual: Meditation, Contemplation, Reverence, Peace, Order, Gratitude, Faith, Hope, Inspiration and Beauty

Identifying Your Wants

Some humans admit wants, but not their needs, or carnality versa, and may get them confused. If our wants were abashed growing up-if we were told we shouldn’t wish something-we may accept chock-full desiring. Some parents accord accouchement what they anticipate they should accept or accomplish them do activities that the ancestor wants and not what the adolescent would like. Instead of advancing our own desires, we may board what added humans want. Do you resent anyone for consistently accepting his or her way, but don’t allege up and apostle for what you want? Accomplish a account of your desires. Don’t bind them by your accepted limitations.


Recovery agency implementing the aloft absolute needs formula. It includes accomplishing your advantageous desires. We become amenable to ourselves and advance abundant self-esteem to accomplish ourselves a priority.

First, you accept to acquisition out what you charge and want. Then, amount it. Anticipate about why it’s important. If we don’t amount a need, we will not be motivated to accommodated it. If it was abashed in childhood, again we will accept that we can abandon it. Abounding humans don’t accomplish their goals or dreams because they were ridiculed growing up. Similarly, if grief, sex, or play were abashed or discouraged, we ability accept these weren’t accurate needs. Next, amount out how to ample that need.

Finally, some needs crave adventuresomeness to amplitude ourselves to accommodated them, such as self-expression, authenticity, independence, and ambience boundaries. Added needs are interpersonal and crave adventuresomeness to ask added humans to accommodated them. We can alone do this if we amount ourselves and our needs and feel advantaged to accept them met. It aswell helps to apprentice to be assertive.

Recovery takes advance and abutment from others and usually counseling, too. This may assume daunting, but alpha artlessly anniversary day by journaling and attuning to your animosity and your body. Yield the time to ask yourself what you wish and need. Alpha alert to and anniversary yourself!

┬ęDarleneLancer 2019


Dear Dr. Romance: Was There Anything Else I Could Have Done?

Dear Dr. Romance

Recently, I accept gone aback to online dating but accept some actual able concerns. I just burst a 5-year accord with a man who seems to accept an internet addiction. He formed from home and was consistently on the porn and personals (by searching at his History). The internet was rather an acute affair for me authoritative me cagey our relationship. We at one time came to an acceding that there would be a limitation with the porn. But over the 5 years, I came so mentally, emotionally, and physically drained that I was seeing two therapists this year for counseling and medication. He said that he has it beneath control. So while I fabricated arrange to move out of his house, he was aggravating to angle up with men for sex. Then he met up with an out-of -state woman by texting and now has pursued a business and animal accord alive on a apparent to accept a ecology accessory to assure women adjoin animal assault. Was there annihilation abroad I could accept done? This was a actual aching acquaintance for me, but it seems that he just moves with one bearings to addition with no repercussion.

Dear Reader:

You’re appropriate to accept some doubts about Internet dating and addiction. It’s a actual big botheration these days, lots of humans in my appointment with Internet addiction problems. One affair you can do is accomplish abiding whomever you accommodated is affiliated with humans face to face, has accompany and goes out to see humans and do things with friends. Humans with no contiguous amusing access are added acceptable to accept online issues. How a being relates to you is important, but it is not the alone important thing. Advantageous humans accept amusing networks, friendships, and interests alfresco the home.

How To Accumulate Yourself Out of a Violent Accord will advice you accretion a bigger compassionate of how to accumulate yourself safe and to acquisition a advantageous partner

Tina B. Tessina, Ph.D. is a accountant psychotherapist in S. California back 1978 with over 30 years acquaintance in counseling individuals and couples and columnist of 13 books in 17 languages, including It Ends With You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction; The Unofficial Guide to Dating Again; Money, Sex and Kids: Stop Fighting About the Three Things That Can Ruin Your Marriage, The Commuter Marriage, and her newest, Love Styles: How to Celebrate Your Differences. She writes the “Dr. Romance” blog, and the “Happiness Tips from Tina” email newsletter.

– addictions counselling